The clock reads 6:53AM. If I were home in LA and 10 years younger I
might actually be working on a buzz right now. Or trying to sleep off
the one I just finished. Instead I'm looking at a baby monitor. Now
before you think anything, I am not wanting to replace the latter with
the former. Not even for a second. But it does show me something. I no
longer have the option of walking away if things get hard or are not
"fun."
In my single twenties I took for granted that if something wasn't
enjoyable, and didn't seem it would become enjoyable in the foreseeable
future, I could simply walk away. Boss was annoying me? Quit and find a
new one. Friends cramping my style. Go to the next party. But even those
two things have changed. I don't think I'll want new friends now
because I've found the ones I'm looking for. And I don't think I'll get a
new job...well because I'm my boss. But with Lena, taking a break isn't
an option. I push on when its hard.
Which is starting to make me look at my writing differently. I've now
written 3 and a half novels. My first I quit because I was tired of
marketing it and I felt I'd grown past it. My second I just stopped
writing because I felt I wasn't doing a good enough job. My third I sent
to many publishers, but when I realized the changes I would have to
make to create a more readable and likeable novel, I just decided to put
it "in my nightstand." Now I have finished Running Out of Road
(working title). There is so much work to be done on it and less hours
in the day to do it. I had a hard enough time finding the motivation and
energy to work on it when I wasn't staff for Lena. I feel myself
getting ready to walk away...again.
So what do I differently this time? I kind of need your help on this
one. I want to treat my responsibility to writing similarly to how I
treat being a father. It's my duty, my role, etc. But I'm having a hard
time forming that connection. Any suggestions.