I've been reading this amazing book called Hellraisers based
on the crazy, boozy lives of Richard Burton, Richard Harris, Peter
O'Toole and Oliver Reed. Their antics awaken in me nostalgia of college
and romping through bar and countryside with some of my besties. Like
the wild men in the book, the potential for a fight was always right
around the corner for me. Except, I never fought. Not once. Well there
was that one time, but he doesn't count. He was little.
It's
been really hard to decide if I am proud of this or ashamed. When the
term "boys will be boys" comes out, isn't fighting at the top of a list
of behaviors it's meant to explain? To make me more confused, I love
violent action movies (especially martial arts) yet I work against the
glorification of violence. Does this make me eclectic, confused, or a
coward?
I read a lot of stuff on masculinity. I find it
all fascinating since it puts into words all of the mindless behaviors
and senseless rules we men have been enacting for so long. But one thing
we men are tied to is our violence. The very act seems to verify not
only our masculinity but our very existence (think Fight Club).
So what is a guy like me supposed to do when I am right in the middle of
being a pacifist with a penchant for pugilism. Say that ten times fast.
When
I think of the act of fighting, with me in the fight, it seems sort of
childish. At the same time I get excited. It's the kind of excited you
felt when you were getting dressed to go out to your first New Year's
Eve as a 21 year old. I wonder often how I'd do in a fight. I realize,
though, the conditions would have to be similar to the four gentleman
above. Which also means I would not remember it anyway.
Let's not and pretend I did, then.
